Hello friends and family!
We are officially creeping up the 31 week mark of this pregnancy and Baby W is approximately the size of asparagus. Ironically we just finished eating asparagus for dinner, and I'm not entirely sure if that's adorable or a tiny bit morbid. Either way his heartbeat is strong, he's moving constantly, and watching my stomach dip and roll as he pushes and wiggles around in there is seriously one of the strangest sensations I've ever experienced.
Overall, being pregnant has been surprisingly wonderful. I love how I look with this swollen belly, and (sorry/not sorry for TMI) but probably am more comfortable walking around naked now than I was before. Don't hate me, but I've been fortunate enough to not have any nausea, and my energy level really never took that dive I read about in all the books and blogs. At first I thought something was wrong. I mean doesn't being pregnant automatically equal dreadful mornings, feeling disgusting, gaining weight so fast your head spins??? Apparently not always, and just as quickly as I came to this conclusion I shut my mouth and counted my blessings, praying that the entire journey would be this calm. 
Looking back at the time leading up to us finally conceiving, I think this "calm" is the universe's way of saying, "See! I told you it wouldn't be that bad. You were absolutely freaking out for NO flipping reason." *eye roll*
It's true.
A couple years ago the idea of getting pregnant would send me into a spin of dread, anxiety, doubt, just ALL those terrible emotions. Eric and I had been married for four years. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence to get asked "Why haven't you two had kids!?" in which I would bite back my instinct to reply, "Because right now we're too busy enjoying our duel-income with nothing waking us up on the weekends except the urge to make a pot of coffee to drink while binging Netflix." And although my actual response was much MUCH kinder, those thoughts were true. My brain was tuned far away from the channel of babies. I wanted to just BE with my husband, act selfishly, LIVE, create a home, and focus solely on each other. Other couples our age seemed to constantly be getting married, then like clockwork the baby announcement would arrive, typically following not long after a puppy purchase.
"I do" + Dog = Diapers.
But that's what they wanted. I, on the other hand, had a different plan. My plan involved five years. Let's be married five years, take a giant trip, and then we can talk about starting a family. That was the deal I proposed to Eric long before he ever proposed to me. And like the saint that he is, my patient and too-good-for-me husband agreed. He got that I needed time, understood that the idea of my body changing during pregnancy and maybe never going back to normal sent my brain into a hysteric meltdown. It took me a LONG time to feel confident, healthy, and strong in my skin. I wasn't going to give that up easily.
So what changed? Well for one I was attending an all-female gym, and there seemed to always be someone pregnant at one point or another. And let me tell you what, nothing pushes you harder to lift heavy than watching a woman seven months along do the same. Just because they were having a baby, didn't mean they couldn't be active. "Lazy" was not in their vocabulary and if they exercised before, what was stopping them from doing it now? It was inspiring.
Another realization happened during my time in St. Louis while attending a personal development seminar called Landmark. One of the areas in my life I decided to focus on was this battle of becoming a mother. Was I ready? Capable enough? Maternal enough? Selfless enough? At the end of the weekend I could honestly say my point of view completely shifted. OF COURSE I'M NOT READY!!! What mother-to-be IS ready?? This isn't some dramatic sob story only happening to me, every woman has these doubts before leaving behind their old life and plunging into their new role of motherhood. But if I say I'm going to be a kick ass mom, then I'm going to be a KICK. ASS. MOM! I will create that future and it will be INCREDIBLE.
Having a kick ass husband, who after hearing me talk this way about starting a family drove the five hours from Cincinnati to St. Louis to be there on my final night, didn't hurt either. You will never hear me utter the words, "I always knew I was put on this earth to be a mother." but I'm telling you now, Eric Wellman was put on this earth to be a father. Because of that man, I know we're going to be fine. He is a thousand times more maternal than me, and in any area I may fall short, he'll be there to pick up the slack 100%.
Well, maybe not with breastfeeding, but we won't hold that against him.
In the prego world there's a lot of talk about "nesting". That overwhelming desire to clean and organize your home before your new baby arrives. And while my Home Goods and TJ Maxx receipts will prove I've fully embraced this phase, it was the nesting I had to do in my mind long before becoming pregnant that has proven to be most valuable. Sorting through my thoughts, organizing priorities, and analyzing where Eric and I stood in our marriage and our purpose for life. Where were we? What form of love was missing that would make us feel happy and fulfilled?
The answer of course was obvious, but I had to get there in my own time. Creating little Baby W also took time, over a year of time, but we're still part of the lucky ones. There are so many couples out there who's journey to parenthood has been nothing but agonizing, and to them I send all the love and light.
Nowadays my crazy Friday night plans consist of sorting diapers, and organizing the baby clothes we've started to accumulate in plastic bins. The calender says we've only had 31 weeks to prepare, but the real preparation started countless weeks before. And as our little man rolls and prods me in the side, I can't help but smile at how much I enjoy this feeling, and know it will all be worth it.
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